Last time we practiced noticing the difference between being on the upward and downward spirals. That is so key because the ability to catch myself as I head in a direction I don't prefer is what reminds me that I can head in the direction of what I do prefer. At times I catch myself on the downward spiral and I say to myself, or sometimes out loud, "I don't want to be right about this anymore." It is a signal to myself that I can choose to stop the downward spiral and believe in who I really am (WIRA).
Part II of LOP is my favorite part. I love it when I can excavate a belief that I have been unconsciously believing, that I now realize no longer serves me, and I can kick it to the curb -- it frees me from undermining my confidence in WIRA. However, the ability to pinpoint an unconscious belief is a skill in itself and something we get better at as we go along so, for the sake of simplicity and brevity, our focus in this post will be answering the question, "How do I move up the spiral when I catch me telling myself things that feel awful?"
The answer is . . . gently and kindly and with the goal of a little relief. We cannot ridicule ourselves onto the upward spiral. We cannot shame or guilt or regret ourselves onto the upward spiral. We cannot blame or argue or fight our way onto the upward spiral. We cannot force or work hard or use will power onto the upward spiral. After my experience with depression I came to realize how sloppy and cruel I had been about my perceptions of myself. My only choice was to gently and kindly choose perceptions that feel better. So how do we do that?
One: start where you are. Be honest with yourself. If you are angry, or feeling guilty, or bored this is not about continuing the downward spiral by criticizing yourself for where you are, or B.S.ing yourself that everything is fine.
Two: kindly and gently turn yourself around by finding a belief, a thought, a perception that creates a bit of relief. This might very well mean your first few comments to yourself are something like, "Alright, enough is enough. I don't want to be here anymore. I am ready to let this go and feel better. I deserve better than hanging out here."
Three: choose beliefs/thoughts/perceptions that are true for you. LOP is not about pretending I feel better -- it's about truly feeling better. Things like "I am not going to worry, all is well, I am happy and healthy" are just frustrating if they are too far up the spiral for me to reach. Develop the skill of finding a perception that feels just a little better, and then another that is a little better, and then another.
Here are some basic examples to get you started back up the spiral. Ask yourself, which feels better?
I am such a loser OR I am really clear I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I hate my job OR I am glad I have this work for the time being while I have time to figure some things out.
My family is driving me crazy OR time for a hot bath.
I am worried about what others will think OR I give up, I am never going to be able to please everyone.
I am so stressed OR I think I am being too hard on myself.
I am worried about (something in the future) OR for now I am just going to focus on what is in front of me in this moment.
That jerk just cut me off OR this is not worth going on the downward spiral over.
Your turn! Select something you caught yourself tripping over last time. Start with something easy, practice being kind and gentle with yourself, and find some perceptions that create some relief. Using a notebook will definitely be an advantage because it may take 10 attempts to find something that creates a little relief that you truly believe. If you are able to find a thought of relief, then look for another that just feels a little bit better than that one, and so on as you work your way up.
If you have tripped over a belief that is proving challenging and things are just feeling worse after a few minutes of looking for something that feels better . . . set it down and walk away. Physically walk away from the person, the computer, or the task, whatever it is, and find anything that feels a bit better. Mentally walk away by appreciating your pet, or watching something funny, or calling someone you know will be uplifting, or going for a walk. Just practice no longer being willing to torture yourself with the downward spiral.
All of this looking for a better feeling perception, so that we can be on the upward spiral, is not just for the relief in the moment (although that is soooo worth it), it is how we move forward, evolve, become the more of that which we have the deep knowing we are suppose to be. When I am on the upward spiral and successfully believing in who I really then I am ready to successfully BE who I really am.