The Accomplishment Addiction

I have times, as I practice living on purpose (LOP), when I get suspicious of myself.  Sometimes I catch myself justifying, being right about something, or feeling the pressure to get something done, and then the red flag goes up.  I become suspicious of my to-do list when it is in the driver seat of my life and I am feeling the need to accomplish things in order to be O.K.  I realize that for most of us it is an outlandish idea that the need to accomplish would not be a good thing.  For most of us we have been reared to believe that the whole point of being alive is to be productive, so how could I possibly think it could be an addiction?

The definition of LOP is not not accomplishing things.  Actually, I believe someone who is LOP will probably be more productive in their lives than most, but, just because we are accomplishing things does not mean we are LOP and perhaps that has become our tripping point.  A person who is busy or accomplishing may believe they are living a great life because they can point to all of their accomplishments.  However, as I have glimpses behind my own veil I realize that accomplishment without LOP is nothing more than mediocrity.  It may give us a short burst of satisfaction and relief to be able to pronounce something as complete, but how often is it also a true expression of who we really are?

I realize I may be attacking a sacred cow by calling accomplishment an addiction and mediocre, because most of our world is teetering on the importance of everyone continuing to accomplish.  Our schooling, our world of employment, our sports, our basic services of life are often propped up with many who show up everyday to be productive and to do their share of accomplishing.  But again, I am not saying that LOP is void of accomplishment, it actually has the potential for increased productivity.  What takes accomplishment out of the realm of just mediocrity is that LOP accomplishments come from us sharing our personal knowing/our genius self, which is where all great art, athleticism, heroism, inventions, have  been derived.

I recognize that the addiction of being busy, just to feel like we have achieved something in a day, has become so important for many of us we are usually willing to forgo our greatness just to get the short term fix of accomplishing something.  We are willing to be mediocre because the relief of being able to cross something off our to-do list has become more important than a belief that we might be something more.  But, I am suggesting that we are more than the sum of our accomplishments.  Just as the sun burns hot and bright and because of that a whole lot is 'accomplished', we too are meant to shine and see what shining brightly in our lives naturally accomplishes.

LOP is the gushing of inspiration that looks like immense accomplishment.

Picky, Picky, Picky

I had an "Ah ha" moment a couple weeks back as I was washing my car.  I was trying out a new car wash due to a situation that had not felt good the last time I had visited my usual car wash.  I had come to the realization that my usual place wasn't as picky as me.  Their expectations, attention to detail, and definition of maintenance and repair were obviously different than mine.  On my last visit I had tried to point out what I considered was not working, but for them it was within the realm of acceptable working order.  I left frustrated that they had not acquiesced to my perception of acceptable working order.

Fast forward a week or two, I am visiting a different car wash.  Upon my arrival I see signs indicating this car wash's expectations for using their facilities.  When I entered and started the wash I saw more signs outlining their preferences.  As I used the machines they operated at the level I had desired at my old location.  I felt that the expectations of this facility were neither less than or more than my level of pickiness.

As I pulled away, (here comes the ah ha), I realized that I needn't concern myself with trying to change anyone else's degree of pickiness, I just want to allow myself to meet up with those that are at the same level of pickiness as me.  I know, it doesn't seem to be a very dramatic realization, but it was paradigm altering.

I could feel the weight of needing to change anyone with a different degree of pickiness being lifted from my shoulders.  I could see how I could release myself from judgement when I did not measure up to those who are pickier than I am.  I could be completely happy and excited and supportive of my degree of pickiness.  My preferences of pickiness are perfect for me and there are those that will match my degree of pickiness with whom I will have a really good time.  And, there will be those that are different from my degree of pickiness that I will meet up with from time to time, and from whom I can acquire insight, new ideas, and inspiration, but I am not obligated to play in the same sand box.

But maybe most importantly, I realized that no one's degree of pickiness is wrong, which means I can stop spending my energy on trying to change anyone, measure up to others, or try to figure out the right degree of pickiness, and I can just get on with moving forward with the degree of pickiness that works for me.  A real time, energy, and frustration saver.

If we look around us today, there are arguments flourishing about who's degree of "pickiness" is right.  We are so concerned with getting everyone to agree on the same pickiness we don't really move forward.  It's like trying to get everyone to agree on the same kind of music before anyone writes a song.  We end up with no music, no creativity, and no opportunity for harmony.

So, maybe I will just head out today knowing that the degree of pickiness that feels right for me is absolutely perfect, and I will know it when I encounter those who are the same pickiness as me.  And if I run into someone who is different I can just say, "I can appreciate your degree of pickiness, but I think I will keep looking.  Thanks!

LOP is trusting my degree of pickiness and letting go of the rest.

Words of Wisdom from Warren

"Look for the job you would take if you didn't need a job.  Life is wonderful then.
You jump out of bed in the morning because you are really looking forward to the day."
Becoming Warren Buffett
HBO Documentary
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PB5krSvFAPY

Love is the Answer

Shortly after my Mom died I had the clear realization that Love is the answer.  (I know, I know, it sounds really cliché -- but it was a real "Ah ha!" moment.)  It doesn't matter what the question is -- Love is the answer.  Simple enough, right?  The tricky part is figuring out what Love looks like in all the different scenarios we each encounter every day.

Mom was a great unconditional Lover.  She provided numerous examples throughout her life as to how unconditional Love may look in a variety of situations, and those are great food for thought for me now, but I will not know what Love looks like for me until I arrive at each of my moments.

There are a variety of definitions of unconditional Love.  The one that works best for me is, unconditional Love is the purest expression of me as I am being Who I Really Am (WIRA).  It means that not one person or thing or situation needs to be different in order for me to choose/perceive/feel Love.  And when I choose Love I am well on my way to the answers and solutions that are in alignment with what I really want.  Every time I choose something other than Love I am getting in my own way of what I really want and WIRA.

Unconditional Love could also be called peace, flow, being open, appreciation, joy, awe, surrender, or knowing.  It could look like laughter, tears, hugs, smiles, compliments, encouragement, making lots of decisions, or making no decisions.  And, people often experience it with babies, puppies, at weddings, or in nature.

It is not something you have to force yourself to be, it is something that naturally oozes forth from within.  So, it is not about making yourself be 'nice', patient, or forgiving someone.  It is not about holding my tongue, being a door mat, or disingenuous.  It is the experience of "I cannot stop the immense appreciation I have for you/this situation!"  It is based in the knowledge of, and faith in, WIRA and that the well-being is so much bigger than any mole hill I may be making into a mountain.

Thanks Mom for giving me The answer to all life's questions.  I know I will figure out the rest.

Living On Purpose is finding my answers of Love.

A Tribute to Mary Ann Harpham

On Sunday June 25^th, 2017 Mary Ann Harpham passed away peacefully after a high spirited, comfortable few years with cancer.

Since the passing of her husband, Harry Harpham, in 2013 she and her daughter Sandi Harpham lovingly shared this part of her life together.  She was also supported by and shared camaraderie with her eldest daughter Shan Harpham and her son’s-in-law Warren Woodcox and Roger Murray.

Mary Ann’s loves were time with family and friends, McDougall United Church Sunday School, her music, cruising all over the world, and chocolate.  She never lost her farm girl tenacity and was an example of unconditional love.

The following is the tribute I shared at her Celebration of Life Service:

"Three and half years ago I had the chance to stand here and share the things I appreciated about my dad because I felt that was the best way to share who he really was.  And I am honored today to be able to do the same for my mom.

I appreciate that she was my Kindergarten Sunday School teacher, right here at McDougall, and that she was the one who taught me that God is Love.

I appreciated that long before all the do-it-yourself and design shows that are on TV today, Mom was doing it herself and designing.  For example, she redesigned her kitchen twice and did things like measure her pots so that the pot drawer was the right size, and she engineered changing the access of a difficult to reach area in the kitchen to an easy to reach area in the back entrance.

I appreciate how important education was to her.  As a college business instructor, she was the one who taught me how to type, something I use everyday.  And Shan and I both appreciate all the hours she tag-teamed with us proofing and typing our university reports and essays.

I appreciate that she had an unshakable belief in me.  Even when I was in some dark places in my life, she still saw my light and believed in who I really am.

I appreciate how she taught me that women can do whatever they want.  One year before Father’s Day, when Dad was on a trip down east for work, Mom decided it was time for Dad to have some shelving in the garage.  She got some lumber and a hammer and nails and just built it. 

I appreciate that the kids in the neighborhood were important to her as well and were included right along with Shan and me.  We had carrot scrubbing bees where we were paid a dime for a bucket of clean garden carrots.  And, she was chauffeur for all of us during bus strikes, social outings and times of need.

I appreciate that I could trust her implicitly.  Once, in my later teens, I remember getting myself stranded at the edge of town, with people I didn’t really want to be with.  I always knew it was O.K. to call her, so even though it was in the wee hours of the morning I called and gave the vague directions that I was in a house somewhere out past 34th Avenue.  Somehow, not to long after that, she was there to get me.  To this day I don’t know how she did it.

I appreciate that Christmas present wrapping was a creative endeavour to her and every year numerous boxes all organized with ribbons and bows and paper would come out and the den downstairs would become off limits while she made each parcel a one of a kind work of art.

I appreciate that she became known as Mrs. Click.  Earlier in my childhood Dad was the photographer, but at some point, Mom got a great camera and she became unstoppable.  She did not hesitate to take numerous shots of the same thing to ensure she got one good one.  The dozens of roles of film she would take on a cruise became her material for another creative endeavour of hers which was to create an album commemorating an occasion. 

I appreciate that I never felt judged or wrong for some of the not so traditional decisions I made in my life.  Whether it was what she believed in or not she would support us fully, which sometimes meant convincing Dad not to express his opinion about it.  And it wasn’t just us that she didn’t judge, I do not ever recall her passing judgement on anyone.

I appreciate that her advice was simple.  When a young me asked her how one knows when they want to marry, her answer was, “You’ll just know.”  It was an extremely annoying answer at the time, but it turned out to be so profoundly true.

I appreciated her farm girl tenacity and independence.  She was not a person that accepted “no” when she had put her mind to doing something.  Mom told a story of when she was little and her parents had gone away somewhere and she had decided she was going to paint one of the bedrooms as a surprise.  And so, she did, and yes, her parents were surprised.

I appreciate that Mom was the queen of organization and detail.  I grew up thinking that the world was organized because I was under her domain – “everyone had wet and dry garbage cans in their kitchens, right?”  As an adult, I realized that her skill level and ability to categorize and organize was not the norm. There were decorations at every occasion and holiday.  There was color coordination of every outfit and towel.  Dinner parties were fit for a king, and her packing for cruises was a puzzle in a suitcase. 

I appreciate the words of Mom’s friend, who has been as close as a sister to her.  She described Mom as down to earth, and practical.  That Mom knew what life was all about.  She took the bad with the good and handled it well.  She didn’t run away from anything.

I appreciate that Mom knew how to laugh.  In my minds eye, there is the everlasting picture of her tossing her head back and letting out a genuine, heartfelt burst of joy.  Whether it was sitting in the oncologist’s office at the Cross or having coffee with a friend, her joy could catch people’s attention and draw them in.

I appreciate that one of her favorite sayings to Shan and me when we were young and not seeing things eye to eye was, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”  The depth of the wisdom behind those words has continued to unfold throughout my life.

I appreciate that she had the ability to be both very hands-on and classy.  She could dig in the garden or model diamonds; role up her sleeves and build something or shine at a formal occasion.

I appreciate what a great family manager she was.  And I appreciate what an effective team her and Dad made.  I know Dad’s appreciation of her, and all that she did, was unquantifiable.  He would tell her, “You are my angel.”

I appreciate how positive she always was.  One of her favorite sayings was “this too shall pass.”  Whining or complaining was not in her.  She chose to focus on the good even when given a terminal diagnosis.

I appreciate how great she did during her treatments at the Cross, so much so that at times it left some of the staff wondering what was going on.  And I appreciate that her illness only really interfered with her life during the last few months.

I appreciate how she expressed her appreciation of all of us.  Whether it was to those that helped in the Sunday School, or for the two great sons she inherited, or for the care givers that helped her through her last months of life.  She was thankful for us all.

And finally, I appreciate that I got to learn about unconditional love from one of the best.  I will do my best to practice what you taught me Mom.  I appreciate you, and I am so proud that you were my mom.  As Shan would say to her at the end of her visits, “You are my hero"."

A - S - S - U - ME

Today I want to have some fun with an old saying.  We have probably all heard that when we assume something we make an ass out you and me (Ass - U - Me).  It became a fun little reminder to check things out before saying or doing something (to make sure we are perceiving it the same as someone else), because otherwise it could come back to haunt us. 

But that fun little definition has given the word assume a negative connotation.  This got me wondering if I could come up with a Living On Purpose (LOP) definition of assume that could take us in another direction.

When I looked up assume in the dictionary it said, "to take for granted; suppose to be a fact."  So what could I 'take for granted' or 'suppose to be a fact' that could be beneficial to me and whoever else was involved?  How could I turn something that has the potential of taking me for a ride on the downward spiral (regret, embarrassment, defensiveness, etc.) into being something that assists me in moving forward on the upward spiral? 

So, how about using the word assume to mean I am choosing to see something As Spirit (or Who I Really Am) Sees U and ME.  A - S - S - U - ME

If I use this definition then when I assume,
-- I take for granted that we are all doing the best that we know how in each moment
-- I suppose to be a fact that I don't have to make a big deal out of mistakes that you and I make
-- I take for granted that we are all different and I can choose to honor those differences instead of
   resisting them
-- I take for granted that the goal of anything is not perfection but evolution, or gaining a new
    perspective
-- I suppose to be a fact that others are not responsible for my happiness
-- I suppose to be a fact that it is more advantageous to trust than to control
-- I take for granted that we do better when we are being playful than when we are serious
-- I take for granted that we have more strengths than weaknesses
-- I suppose to be a fact that when we appreciate the little things about each other today, it is
    beneficial for our tomorrow
-- I take for granted that deep breaths and relaxation are healthy for us physically, mentally,
    emotionally and financially
-- I suppose to be a fact that seeing things from a 'big picture' point of view helps us keep our life,
    and what we are wanting, in perspective
-- I take for granted that when we let go of being right we open the door to our own happiness
-- I take for granted that we are better off if we Don't Sweat The Small Stuff (Richard Carlson)
-- I suppose to be a fact it is good to laugh more
-- I suppose to be a fact that we are at our best when we are being creative
-- I take for granted that pursuing what calls us, versus resisting what we think is wrong, is freedom
-- I take for granted that being less afraid to love and more willing to allow that powerful energy to
   flow through me is how I be more of who I really am (WIRA)

When I assume (perceive As Spirit Sees U and ME) I will never be making an ass out of either of us.

Ahhh, it is safe to assume once again. : )

Emotional Relief

Interestingly we seem to know that if we are doing something that hurts us physically we can stop it to create relief.   If I am hitting my thumb with a hammer and it hurts I can stop that action and the suffering will stop.  If I am banging my head against a wall and it hurts I can stop that action and the pain will stop. 

Interestingly we don't seem to transfer that skill if we are doing something that hurts us emotionally.  If we are angry or sad or frustrated somehow we have got in the habit of enduring the pain waiting for our relief to come from someone outside ourselves.  We say "when ________ is different then I will feel better".

Interestingly the relief we seek is created the same way in both situations -- stop doing what hurts.

I know that may seem over simplistic and unrealistic because we have not been taught, nor have we practiced, how to stop doing what is creating our emotional suffering.  However, through my experience of suffering with things like depression, death, or failure, as far as I can see, it is the only way to my freedom.  Because, you may have noticed, getting others to be a certain way to create our relief doesn't seem to be working very well.

Living On Purpose is about practicing the skill of creating my own emotional relief.

Desire Training -- Playing in the Momentum

As I have practiced Living On Purpose (LOP), and had the opportunity to listen to others practicing it in their lives, I have noticed that what often gets in our way is a lack of allowing ourselves to 'want what we want'.  So often we may keep what we truly want a secret because of our fear of failing, or what others may think of us, or because of a fear that it is stupid, or that it won't work.  But that is pretty much the definition of living a life of mediocrity.  So maybe we could do some 'desire training' so that we work our way towards letting ourselves 'want what we want'?

A couple years ago I signed up with a group and a trainer to prepare for a half marathon.  Now, I had never considered myself a long distant runner, nor had I ever done anything near that length, but I could feel it was something that I was excited about.  What the training did was take me from a place where I physically couldn't jog 21 KM and mentally didn't believe I could, to where I physically and mentally could do both.  So, couldn't desire training work the same?

When I started the training for the half marathon, my goal wasn't even to do a half marathon -- that felt too big.  I had a smaller goal of doing a 10 KM race which felt quite comfortable.  As we trained we were encouraged to do what we could do comfortably, so that we did not create any excess strain, injury or setbacks.  We started with very believable distances and lengths of time that I looked forward to trying.  We incrementally increased the distances and lengths of time each week slowly enough that there were no big jumps to make.  It never turned into something I felt I should be doing, I remained eager about the process.  We practiced three times a week to build a momentum of fitness.  We did additional exercises that would support and facilitate the body to become better and better.  As a group we had a common interest and we supported each other in succeeding.  I just let go and trusted the trainer and did whatever was the next step in front of me.  Sometimes the next step seemed a bit big, but as I followed through I always found I was able to comfortably do it (turns out my physicality was in better shape to accomplish these goals than my mentality).  And perhaps what I was most surprised about, was the ease with which it unfolded.

If I apply those same aspects to training for a desire, so I can move in the direction of things that I may not mentally, physically, financially or emotionally be comfortable with right now, what would that look like?
-- I'd be honest with myself about the things that I really wanted.
-- I'd start off with a step that seemed comfortable, doable, just the right size, and fun.
-- I'd move forward in a way that I was not straining, pushing or scaring myself and creating
    setbacks.
-- I'd pick next steps and inspirations that I was excited to try.
-- I'd incrementally and gently increase the breadth and depth of the exciting next steps so that
    there were no big jumps to make.
-- I'd support myself by never turning the desire into something I should be doing by remembering
    to always move forward eager about the process.
-- I'd allow myself time each day/week to create a momentum of excitement regarding the desire.
-- I'd do additional activities/hobbies/projects that would support the desire.
-- I'd find others who have similar desires so that we can support each other in succeeding.
-- I'd let go and trust my desire, and the inspirations I'd had regarding it, and the process as it
    unfolded -- even when the next step felt a bit big.
-- And as I moved forward I'd appreciate the ease of the process.

If we want to run a half marathon, we don't just buy the running shoes and then force ourselves to go do it, we allow ourselves the opportunity to prepare and work up to it.

If I am LOP I don't just perfectly execute a brand new desire the moment it appears, I want to allow myself the fun journey of building the momentum of it.  LOP is allowing myself to 'want what I want' and enjoy the training for my desire.

Warren Buffett -- Living On Purpose is Not Being Great at Everything

Being who we really are (WWRA) is not about being great at everything.

Last week I watched "Becoming Warren Buffett" a biography that included family, friends, and Warren himself, sharing his life story and some insights into his success.

Warren Buffett is a business man, investor, philanthropist, and the second richest person in the world.  At age 86 he still loves the work he does, and many consider him to be a genius.  Warren has had an affinity with numbers his whole life.  He has a talent for seeing things in his way, and he has trusted that, played with it, and taken the time to nurture it, and never seemed to be apologetic for this thing that he loves to do. So, it would probably not be outrageous to say he has been 'successful' in his life and has been living on purpose (LOP).

However, what really stood out for me in this documentary was a story that his first wife shared about a time she was sick in bed.  She had asked Warren to bring her something to set by the side of the bed in case she got sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom.  She tells how she heard him go down to the kitchen and rustle around in the pots and pans and finally come back up with a colander.  She looked at what he had brought and explained to him that it would not hold anything because it was full of holes.  He went back down and after some more rustling around in the kitchen he came back up with a cookie sheet to put under it.

What I love about this story is that many of us, perhaps even an outrageous percentage like 90% of us, would have done a better job with this task.  So here is one of the richest men in the world, someone who is referred to as a genius, and we would have been more successful with this task than him.  But Warren is not trying to be good at everything.  He knows what he loves and lets himself do it.  He is not trying to be great at everything or even great at something that many of us would consider to be common sense.

When asked what he felt had most contributed to his success in life, Warren's answer was FOCUS. (Incidentally Bill Gates gave the same answer to that question.)  Focus is not about how to do everything right or well, it is about allowing ourselves to delve into what calls us, what we naturally lean towards.  Focus is about indulging our passion and curiosity about something and allowing that momentum to build until it is a force in our life and perhaps in the world.

Living On Purpose is not about needing to excel in all areas of life.  It is O.K. to find our niche and let that focus shine through us while we allow others to fill in the gaps by them finding their niches and shining their light.

Living On Purpose Doesn't Take a Holiday

As we are already entering the year's second month I am realizing that I got lazy over the Christmas holidays and it is taking a while to get back into the swing of things.

Lazy about what you ask?  Those little things.  Those little things that help me remember who I really am (WIRA).  Some of my morning routines, the things I watch on TV, the conversations I have, the things I fill my work with, being honest about WIRA and what I want.  None of them earth shattering, but they all add up, and while I was in the swing of the Christmas season I got lazy about how important these 'little things' are too me.

As I think about it now, it is interesting to me.  I don't choose to take a break from breathing.  I don't choose to take a break from eating.  I don't think to myself, "oh I'll just skip going to the bathroom today, one day won't make a difference."  That may seem ridiculous because we know how important those things are to our physical well-being.  But, as I sit here over a month into the new year after my LOP holiday, not yet feeling fully into the swing of WIRA, I wonder why I believe that these things I do for mental, emotional and spiritual well-being are any less important.

I guess a part of me is still operating from the belief that if my heart is pumping and I am still breathing, I am alive.  But I have come to the point where I know that is no longer true.  Being alive is so much more than a physical body existence.

This Christmas Season has helped me embrace the knowing that I don't really want to take a holiday from LOP.  I don't really want to take a couple weeks off from honoring WIRA.  It's not worth it to be lazy with my focus.  These little things I do for myself are not a chore that I force myself to do with will power, they are a gift I give myself.  Feeling good and remembering WIRA is just as important as breathing.  There is no need to take a holiday from it because LOP is the 'holiday' I am really looking for.