A Tribute to Mary Ann Harpham

On Sunday June 25^th, 2017 Mary Ann Harpham passed away peacefully after a high spirited, comfortable few years with cancer.

Since the passing of her husband, Harry Harpham, in 2013 she and her daughter Sandi Harpham lovingly shared this part of her life together.  She was also supported by and shared camaraderie with her eldest daughter Shan Harpham and her son’s-in-law Warren Woodcox and Roger Murray.

Mary Ann’s loves were time with family and friends, McDougall United Church Sunday School, her music, cruising all over the world, and chocolate.  She never lost her farm girl tenacity and was an example of unconditional love.

The following is the tribute I shared at her Celebration of Life Service:

"Three and half years ago I had the chance to stand here and share the things I appreciated about my dad because I felt that was the best way to share who he really was.  And I am honored today to be able to do the same for my mom.

I appreciate that she was my Kindergarten Sunday School teacher, right here at McDougall, and that she was the one who taught me that God is Love.

I appreciated that long before all the do-it-yourself and design shows that are on TV today, Mom was doing it herself and designing.  For example, she redesigned her kitchen twice and did things like measure her pots so that the pot drawer was the right size, and she engineered changing the access of a difficult to reach area in the kitchen to an easy to reach area in the back entrance.

I appreciate how important education was to her.  As a college business instructor, she was the one who taught me how to type, something I use everyday.  And Shan and I both appreciate all the hours she tag-teamed with us proofing and typing our university reports and essays.

I appreciate that she had an unshakable belief in me.  Even when I was in some dark places in my life, she still saw my light and believed in who I really am.

I appreciate how she taught me that women can do whatever they want.  One year before Father’s Day, when Dad was on a trip down east for work, Mom decided it was time for Dad to have some shelving in the garage.  She got some lumber and a hammer and nails and just built it. 

I appreciate that the kids in the neighborhood were important to her as well and were included right along with Shan and me.  We had carrot scrubbing bees where we were paid a dime for a bucket of clean garden carrots.  And, she was chauffeur for all of us during bus strikes, social outings and times of need.

I appreciate that I could trust her implicitly.  Once, in my later teens, I remember getting myself stranded at the edge of town, with people I didn’t really want to be with.  I always knew it was O.K. to call her, so even though it was in the wee hours of the morning I called and gave the vague directions that I was in a house somewhere out past 34th Avenue.  Somehow, not to long after that, she was there to get me.  To this day I don’t know how she did it.

I appreciate that Christmas present wrapping was a creative endeavour to her and every year numerous boxes all organized with ribbons and bows and paper would come out and the den downstairs would become off limits while she made each parcel a one of a kind work of art.

I appreciate that she became known as Mrs. Click.  Earlier in my childhood Dad was the photographer, but at some point, Mom got a great camera and she became unstoppable.  She did not hesitate to take numerous shots of the same thing to ensure she got one good one.  The dozens of roles of film she would take on a cruise became her material for another creative endeavour of hers which was to create an album commemorating an occasion. 

I appreciate that I never felt judged or wrong for some of the not so traditional decisions I made in my life.  Whether it was what she believed in or not she would support us fully, which sometimes meant convincing Dad not to express his opinion about it.  And it wasn’t just us that she didn’t judge, I do not ever recall her passing judgement on anyone.

I appreciate that her advice was simple.  When a young me asked her how one knows when they want to marry, her answer was, “You’ll just know.”  It was an extremely annoying answer at the time, but it turned out to be so profoundly true.

I appreciated her farm girl tenacity and independence.  She was not a person that accepted “no” when she had put her mind to doing something.  Mom told a story of when she was little and her parents had gone away somewhere and she had decided she was going to paint one of the bedrooms as a surprise.  And so, she did, and yes, her parents were surprised.

I appreciate that Mom was the queen of organization and detail.  I grew up thinking that the world was organized because I was under her domain – “everyone had wet and dry garbage cans in their kitchens, right?”  As an adult, I realized that her skill level and ability to categorize and organize was not the norm. There were decorations at every occasion and holiday.  There was color coordination of every outfit and towel.  Dinner parties were fit for a king, and her packing for cruises was a puzzle in a suitcase. 

I appreciate the words of Mom’s friend, who has been as close as a sister to her.  She described Mom as down to earth, and practical.  That Mom knew what life was all about.  She took the bad with the good and handled it well.  She didn’t run away from anything.

I appreciate that Mom knew how to laugh.  In my minds eye, there is the everlasting picture of her tossing her head back and letting out a genuine, heartfelt burst of joy.  Whether it was sitting in the oncologist’s office at the Cross or having coffee with a friend, her joy could catch people’s attention and draw them in.

I appreciate that one of her favorite sayings to Shan and me when we were young and not seeing things eye to eye was, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”  The depth of the wisdom behind those words has continued to unfold throughout my life.

I appreciate that she had the ability to be both very hands-on and classy.  She could dig in the garden or model diamonds; role up her sleeves and build something or shine at a formal occasion.

I appreciate what a great family manager she was.  And I appreciate what an effective team her and Dad made.  I know Dad’s appreciation of her, and all that she did, was unquantifiable.  He would tell her, “You are my angel.”

I appreciate how positive she always was.  One of her favorite sayings was “this too shall pass.”  Whining or complaining was not in her.  She chose to focus on the good even when given a terminal diagnosis.

I appreciate how great she did during her treatments at the Cross, so much so that at times it left some of the staff wondering what was going on.  And I appreciate that her illness only really interfered with her life during the last few months.

I appreciate how she expressed her appreciation of all of us.  Whether it was to those that helped in the Sunday School, or for the two great sons she inherited, or for the care givers that helped her through her last months of life.  She was thankful for us all.

And finally, I appreciate that I got to learn about unconditional love from one of the best.  I will do my best to practice what you taught me Mom.  I appreciate you, and I am so proud that you were my mom.  As Shan would say to her at the end of her visits, “You are my hero"."

A - S - S - U - ME

Today I want to have some fun with an old saying.  We have probably all heard that when we assume something we make an ass out you and me (Ass - U - Me).  It became a fun little reminder to check things out before saying or doing something (to make sure we are perceiving it the same as someone else), because otherwise it could come back to haunt us. 

But that fun little definition has given the word assume a negative connotation.  This got me wondering if I could come up with a Living On Purpose (LOP) definition of assume that could take us in another direction.

When I looked up assume in the dictionary it said, "to take for granted; suppose to be a fact."  So what could I 'take for granted' or 'suppose to be a fact' that could be beneficial to me and whoever else was involved?  How could I turn something that has the potential of taking me for a ride on the downward spiral (regret, embarrassment, defensiveness, etc.) into being something that assists me in moving forward on the upward spiral? 

So, how about using the word assume to mean I am choosing to see something As Spirit (or Who I Really Am) Sees U and ME.  A - S - S - U - ME

If I use this definition then when I assume,
-- I take for granted that we are all doing the best that we know how in each moment
-- I suppose to be a fact that I don't have to make a big deal out of mistakes that you and I make
-- I take for granted that we are all different and I can choose to honor those differences instead of
   resisting them
-- I take for granted that the goal of anything is not perfection but evolution, or gaining a new
    perspective
-- I suppose to be a fact that others are not responsible for my happiness
-- I suppose to be a fact that it is more advantageous to trust than to control
-- I take for granted that we do better when we are being playful than when we are serious
-- I take for granted that we have more strengths than weaknesses
-- I suppose to be a fact that when we appreciate the little things about each other today, it is
    beneficial for our tomorrow
-- I take for granted that deep breaths and relaxation are healthy for us physically, mentally,
    emotionally and financially
-- I suppose to be a fact that seeing things from a 'big picture' point of view helps us keep our life,
    and what we are wanting, in perspective
-- I take for granted that when we let go of being right we open the door to our own happiness
-- I take for granted that we are better off if we Don't Sweat The Small Stuff (Richard Carlson)
-- I suppose to be a fact it is good to laugh more
-- I suppose to be a fact that we are at our best when we are being creative
-- I take for granted that pursuing what calls us, versus resisting what we think is wrong, is freedom
-- I take for granted that being less afraid to love and more willing to allow that powerful energy to
   flow through me is how I be more of who I really am (WIRA)

When I assume (perceive As Spirit Sees U and ME) I will never be making an ass out of either of us.

Ahhh, it is safe to assume once again. : )

Emotional Relief

Interestingly we seem to know that if we are doing something that hurts us physically we can stop it to create relief.   If I am hitting my thumb with a hammer and it hurts I can stop that action and the suffering will stop.  If I am banging my head against a wall and it hurts I can stop that action and the pain will stop. 

Interestingly we don't seem to transfer that skill if we are doing something that hurts us emotionally.  If we are angry or sad or frustrated somehow we have got in the habit of enduring the pain waiting for our relief to come from someone outside ourselves.  We say "when ________ is different then I will feel better".

Interestingly the relief we seek is created the same way in both situations -- stop doing what hurts.

I know that may seem over simplistic and unrealistic because we have not been taught, nor have we practiced, how to stop doing what is creating our emotional suffering.  However, through my experience of suffering with things like depression, death, or failure, as far as I can see, it is the only way to my freedom.  Because, you may have noticed, getting others to be a certain way to create our relief doesn't seem to be working very well.

Living On Purpose is about practicing the skill of creating my own emotional relief.

Desire Training -- Playing in the Momentum

As I have practiced Living On Purpose (LOP), and had the opportunity to listen to others practicing it in their lives, I have noticed that what often gets in our way is a lack of allowing ourselves to 'want what we want'.  So often we may keep what we truly want a secret because of our fear of failing, or what others may think of us, or because of a fear that it is stupid, or that it won't work.  But that is pretty much the definition of living a life of mediocrity.  So maybe we could do some 'desire training' so that we work our way towards letting ourselves 'want what we want'?

A couple years ago I signed up with a group and a trainer to prepare for a half marathon.  Now, I had never considered myself a long distant runner, nor had I ever done anything near that length, but I could feel it was something that I was excited about.  What the training did was take me from a place where I physically couldn't jog 21 KM and mentally didn't believe I could, to where I physically and mentally could do both.  So, couldn't desire training work the same?

When I started the training for the half marathon, my goal wasn't even to do a half marathon -- that felt too big.  I had a smaller goal of doing a 10 KM race which felt quite comfortable.  As we trained we were encouraged to do what we could do comfortably, so that we did not create any excess strain, injury or setbacks.  We started with very believable distances and lengths of time that I looked forward to trying.  We incrementally increased the distances and lengths of time each week slowly enough that there were no big jumps to make.  It never turned into something I felt I should be doing, I remained eager about the process.  We practiced three times a week to build a momentum of fitness.  We did additional exercises that would support and facilitate the body to become better and better.  As a group we had a common interest and we supported each other in succeeding.  I just let go and trusted the trainer and did whatever was the next step in front of me.  Sometimes the next step seemed a bit big, but as I followed through I always found I was able to comfortably do it (turns out my physicality was in better shape to accomplish these goals than my mentality).  And perhaps what I was most surprised about, was the ease with which it unfolded.

If I apply those same aspects to training for a desire, so I can move in the direction of things that I may not mentally, physically, financially or emotionally be comfortable with right now, what would that look like?
-- I'd be honest with myself about the things that I really wanted.
-- I'd start off with a step that seemed comfortable, doable, just the right size, and fun.
-- I'd move forward in a way that I was not straining, pushing or scaring myself and creating
    setbacks.
-- I'd pick next steps and inspirations that I was excited to try.
-- I'd incrementally and gently increase the breadth and depth of the exciting next steps so that
    there were no big jumps to make.
-- I'd support myself by never turning the desire into something I should be doing by remembering
    to always move forward eager about the process.
-- I'd allow myself time each day/week to create a momentum of excitement regarding the desire.
-- I'd do additional activities/hobbies/projects that would support the desire.
-- I'd find others who have similar desires so that we can support each other in succeeding.
-- I'd let go and trust my desire, and the inspirations I'd had regarding it, and the process as it
    unfolded -- even when the next step felt a bit big.
-- And as I moved forward I'd appreciate the ease of the process.

If we want to run a half marathon, we don't just buy the running shoes and then force ourselves to go do it, we allow ourselves the opportunity to prepare and work up to it.

If I am LOP I don't just perfectly execute a brand new desire the moment it appears, I want to allow myself the fun journey of building the momentum of it.  LOP is allowing myself to 'want what I want' and enjoy the training for my desire.

Warren Buffett -- Living On Purpose is Not Being Great at Everything

Being who we really are (WWRA) is not about being great at everything.

Last week I watched "Becoming Warren Buffett" a biography that included family, friends, and Warren himself, sharing his life story and some insights into his success.

Warren Buffett is a business man, investor, philanthropist, and the second richest person in the world.  At age 86 he still loves the work he does, and many consider him to be a genius.  Warren has had an affinity with numbers his whole life.  He has a talent for seeing things in his way, and he has trusted that, played with it, and taken the time to nurture it, and never seemed to be apologetic for this thing that he loves to do. So, it would probably not be outrageous to say he has been 'successful' in his life and has been living on purpose (LOP).

However, what really stood out for me in this documentary was a story that his first wife shared about a time she was sick in bed.  She had asked Warren to bring her something to set by the side of the bed in case she got sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom.  She tells how she heard him go down to the kitchen and rustle around in the pots and pans and finally come back up with a colander.  She looked at what he had brought and explained to him that it would not hold anything because it was full of holes.  He went back down and after some more rustling around in the kitchen he came back up with a cookie sheet to put under it.

What I love about this story is that many of us, perhaps even an outrageous percentage like 90% of us, would have done a better job with this task.  So here is one of the richest men in the world, someone who is referred to as a genius, and we would have been more successful with this task than him.  But Warren is not trying to be good at everything.  He knows what he loves and lets himself do it.  He is not trying to be great at everything or even great at something that many of us would consider to be common sense.

When asked what he felt had most contributed to his success in life, Warren's answer was FOCUS. (Incidentally Bill Gates gave the same answer to that question.)  Focus is not about how to do everything right or well, it is about allowing ourselves to delve into what calls us, what we naturally lean towards.  Focus is about indulging our passion and curiosity about something and allowing that momentum to build until it is a force in our life and perhaps in the world.

Living On Purpose is not about needing to excel in all areas of life.  It is O.K. to find our niche and let that focus shine through us while we allow others to fill in the gaps by them finding their niches and shining their light.

Living On Purpose Doesn't Take a Holiday

As we are already entering the year's second month I am realizing that I got lazy over the Christmas holidays and it is taking a while to get back into the swing of things.

Lazy about what you ask?  Those little things.  Those little things that help me remember who I really am (WIRA).  Some of my morning routines, the things I watch on TV, the conversations I have, the things I fill my work with, being honest about WIRA and what I want.  None of them earth shattering, but they all add up, and while I was in the swing of the Christmas season I got lazy about how important these 'little things' are too me.

As I think about it now, it is interesting to me.  I don't choose to take a break from breathing.  I don't choose to take a break from eating.  I don't think to myself, "oh I'll just skip going to the bathroom today, one day won't make a difference."  That may seem ridiculous because we know how important those things are to our physical well-being.  But, as I sit here over a month into the new year after my LOP holiday, not yet feeling fully into the swing of WIRA, I wonder why I believe that these things I do for mental, emotional and spiritual well-being are any less important.

I guess a part of me is still operating from the belief that if my heart is pumping and I am still breathing, I am alive.  But I have come to the point where I know that is no longer true.  Being alive is so much more than a physical body existence.

This Christmas Season has helped me embrace the knowing that I don't really want to take a holiday from LOP.  I don't really want to take a couple weeks off from honoring WIRA.  It's not worth it to be lazy with my focus.  These little things I do for myself are not a chore that I force myself to do with will power, they are a gift I give myself.  Feeling good and remembering WIRA is just as important as breathing.  There is no need to take a holiday from it because LOP is the 'holiday' I am really looking for.

Being All In

I had the chance to spend time with some like minded souls last night and have conversations of the heart -- one of my favourite things to do. One of the conversations we had turned into an "ah ha!" for me this morning -- another of my favourite things -- and it was around the concept of "being all in."

For me this idea of "being all in" is often about, and interpreted as, ones commitment to something.  Perhaps the feeling of "full steam ahead" or "not being swayed" or "no turning back" comes to mind.  I think "being all in" can also sometimes feel like:  making something happen; moving forward no matter what; pushing ourselves to do things; committing to something even though we are fearful; taking action outside of our comfort zone; come hell or high water (not really sure where that saying comes from) persevering to the end; not allowing ourselves to deviate along the way that might change or clarify the original course; pushing ahead in the direction we have selected with tunnel vision; successfully achieving some image that we think we are suppose to be; or needing to immediately act on an inspiration, whether it is ready or not.  Now, I don't believe the above is what was meant in our conversation last night, however, all of these possible interpretations help me clarify what I feel "being all in" is when I am Living On Purpose (LOP).

I believe being all in when I am LOP is about my perspective and trust in who I really am (WIRA), and not about what goals or actions I may feel I need to commit to.
I feel being all in is when my heart and mind are clear and confident with what is true for me.  Sure, I may waiver periodically, but I can become better and better at finding my way back because of that strong basis of knowing WIRA.
Being all in is more about my commitment to, and the honouring of, my expression of WIRA in each moment, versus a certain objective I must reach some time in the future.
Being all in is finding that place of peace or knowing, as easily and frequently as I can, and for it to be a solid platform for all my actions (big and small), and all my words.
Being all in is brimming with faith in WIRA, the path I am on, and the things that will become a part of my path, whether I am clear on what they are right now or not.
Being all in is faith in the process, and therefore, not needing to make anything  happen because I am open to the flow of life and the momentum I can sense behind the scenes.
Being all in is being confident enough to let go of the need to control, and instead relax into the ride.
Being all in is the experience of unquestioned faith in what feels right and good to me, which then in turn makes my choices and actions obvious for my next steps.

When I am remembering, believing in, and expressing who I really am, I am all in.

Change is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional

John C. Maxwell wrote "Change is inevitable, growth is optional."  Tony Robbins says, "Change is inevitable, progress is optional."  Colin Wilson shared with us that, "change is inevitable, growth is intentional."  These are great quotes, however, over the last couple of years, through the changes I have been experiencing, I realize that it is also true for me that change is inevitable and my suffering over those changes is optional.  (I see that this quote has been attributed to numerous people like the Dalai Lama, M. Kathleen Casey, C. Carey Yang, Haruki Murakami, Sheng Ts'an, and mistakenly the Buddha).

The change part of these quotes is probably fairly easy to wrap our brains around.  We see a baby grow into an adult, and the seed turn into a plant.  We experience the speed and variety of the options that have come and gone from the blossoming of our technology.  We see our planet continuously finding its balance as we explore our own.  And, we witness the different perspectives new generations seem to embody as they join in on this journey.  Over 2000 years ago Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, is quoted as saying "change is the only constant in life," so we can probably all agree that this is not a new idea.  What perhaps has been the bigger question over the ages is how we deal with/handle/manage/control/regulate/find peace with those changes.

I believe the LOP perspective for experiencing change lies within our ability to not resist change, but to use it to better understand who we really are.  Change can be judged as something new that I don't want, or something that I do want.  Either way we are guaranteed that the new 'whatever' will bump up with some old beliefs that are going to want a revamping -- it is just a natural part of the evolution/progress/growth process.  This updating is a wonderful thing because when I catch myself resisting something it is because I am believing something that is not in alignment with Who I Really AM (WIRA).  The more I embrace WIRA the better I feel, the more joy I experience, the more "successful" I am -- it is LOP.  When I don't update to be in alignment with WIRA I suffer.  I suffer because I am fighting with myself, I am dishonoring myself, I am denying what is really important to me, I am acting ashamed of what I want.  So, suffering is optional, because it is fully within my power to make the choice to align with WIRA.

Now I know that can seem easier said than done.  Often when we find ourselves resisting change we are in the midst of being ready to update a belief that we may have had for a very long time and, overall, it has probably been very beneficial.  We can get confused and feel doubt if something that has worked for so long is now being brought into question.  But change is not about judging that what was believed before was wrong or bad, it is simply the indication that I am ready for more, to move on, to be more of WIRA -- and that's a good thing.

My teachers these last couple of years have been my parents.  Through illness and death I have had the opportunity to look at perhaps some of the biggest changes we might resist.  Not wanting someone to die, coming to terms with them being gone, dealing with "unwanted news" from doctors, witnessing changes in people, all have the potential of challenging numerous well loved beliefs about ones life.  And although this experience for me, at times, would not necessarily have been called graceful, I am so appreciating the surrendering, the unconditional love, the peace, the freedom, and the trust, that I have opened up to, and aligned with.  I so appreciate this journey of realizing more and more of that which we really are.

Thanks Mom and Dad for continuing to help me remember, believe in, and better express who I really am.

Change is inevitable -- Living On Purpose is optional.

Coming Out of the Closet

A couple years ago I watched Ellen DeGeneres on Oprah's "Master Class" show share her experience of coming out on her 1990's TV series "Ellen".

Ellen's character was the first lead in an American TV series to share she was gay, and at that same time Ellen announced that she too was gay.  The backlash that followed not only ended her TV show but it instigated "attacks" on her personally.

The feelings of heartbreak, confusion, guilt, lack of acceptance, shame, unworthiness that one could have going through such an experience is completely understandable. The courage it would take to decide to share a personal thing like sexual orientation, to stop the exhausting and shame filled hiding of who you really are, and to be strong enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of friends, family and fans, only then to be criticized, ostracized, and be so vehemently judged on the world stage, for me, is unimaginable.

However, as I sat and watched and listened to this show I thought to myself, "perhaps we are all in the same situation?"  It could be to a lesser or different degree, but who of us does not have things about ourselves that we keep hidden from others for fear of loss of acceptance, shame, and possible judgement?  How much energy do we use up each day managing some image of ourselves that we think we are needing to show others in order to measure up?  How much more important do we make the acceptance from others than the acceptance of ourselves?  How tall and invincible is our wall that we think keeps us protected from the judgement of others, but is really only holding us prisoner?  How stressed, suffocated, exhausted, and unhappy have we become because we no longer stand up for, and honour, who we really are?

Thanks Ellen, for your actions all those years ago.  I believe it was giving all of us permission to come out of the closet about who we really are, and that is LOP in spades.

The Path of Least Resistance . . .

. . . is not the path of most avoidance.

It may seem like a small difference, a splitting of hairs, but it is the difference that we are looking for.

LOP is moving towards what I do want.

Happy Summer Solstice!