The Benefit, of the Benefit of the Doubt.

Giving the benefit of the doubt is not something we do for others.  Like forgiveness, it is something we do for ourselves; our own well-being.

I recently had a situation that required believing in a solution before I could see it.  Instead of getting caught up in worry, or blame, or freaking out, or resisting the circumstances, I decided to take a breath and not assume anything that was in the direction of the downward spiral (that just feels so awful).  I found myself being able to latch onto giving the benefit of the doubt.  I found myself bypassing blame, and trusting there would be a solution that was obvious once I had a chance to talk with everyone involved. 

The benefit, of the benefit of the doubt, is that from that perspective I will be able to see the next steps, choices, and decisions that will take me on the upward spiral.  I won't be able to see those solutions when I am worrying, or blaming . . . those reactions and choices are in the opposite direction of my solution.  If I would have freaked out I would have buried the possibilities I really wanted before they had a chance to present themselves.  I give the benefit of the doubt because I will be better able to see clearly, stay in alignment with who I really am (WIRA), with my priorities, and not take a journey on the downward spiral.

Our knee jerk reaction may be to blame and be angry but that's only because it has become a habit of protection (but protection is a mediocre way to live).  A habit of giving the benefit of the doubt can be a natural response as well . . . with practice.

LOP is giving the benefit of the doubt, because it's a gift we deserve to give ourselves.

Covid "What ifs . . ." In the Pursuit of Feeling a Little Better

I am hearing a new term out there -- covid fatigue.  Not surprising.  We have been very focused on trying to take care of our physical bodies, but it is easy to forget that our mental and emotional 'bodies' are going through this as well, and exhaustion with it all is an indicator of that.

This could be discouraging, but a cornerstone of LOP is that we all want to feel good and are constantly doing our best to move towards that, no matter how low down on the downward spiral we may be (i.e. being in blame feels better than fear).  So, this article will be my attempt to practice LOP with covid.

Maybe a good starting place would be to soothe our anger/fear about a pandemic.  I realize that may be a rather large leap, but I am going to refer to the Abraham-Hicks analogy that reminds us it is a good thing that we have sensitivity in our finger tips so we won't continue touching a hot stove and damaging our hands.  Feeling fatigue/anger/fear/grief is the perfect indicator/guidance that we want to stop doing whatever it is we are doing that is fatiguing us.  (Better said, we want to start doing what feels good.)  I would even propose that there is something underlying our covid reaction that was there long before the pandemic, and this change has just brought it to the surface, and that is a good thing too. 

Probably the more challenging step for each of us is clarifying what it is WE are doing/thinking/saying/believing that is not helping us to LOP, because contrary to what we are witnessing in our world, expecting/waiting for/trying to force others to be different so we can feel better, is not a very successful approach.   However, what is underlying for each one of us is too large of a topic for this article, but perhaps what is do-able within these paragraphs is to practice feeling just a little bit better so that we cease burning our fingers.  (If you are wanting to deliberately do some clarifying of what might be underlying for you individually I would refer you to the "Living On Purpose" book or journal, or the multitude of other resources out there on the topic.)  

So, from the premise we all want to feel better, here we go.  Again I am resorting to the Abraham-Hicks material, by playing the "What if . . ." game.

• What if it is perfectly O.K. and right to be feeling what we are feeling?
  
• What if it's a good thing we are fatigued and exhausted with all of this?
• What if we are supposed to be frustrated, angry and wanting things to be different?
• What if everything we are experiencing is perfectly natural and understandable and actually a sign of how healthy and well functioning we are?
• What if this was a good kick in the pants to stop pretending we are O.K. with a lot of things? 
• What if we were able to start giving ourselves more of a break about everything?
• What if what is happening is not really something going wrong?
• What if based on where we are at in the world this was the perfect time for us to consider some changes?
  
• What if this has started a plethora of questions that are beneficial in the process of beginning to look for some new answers?
• What if the pandemics that have gone before helped us to be a bit more ready for this one and this one will help us be a bit more ready for whatever is next?
• What if we saw humanity as like an infant, just beginning to learn how to walk, and we were able to feel more of the patience, understanding, and trust that a loving parent does for their immature, inexperienced, doing-the-best-the-know-how-to child?
• What if we decided to give ourselves a break from not doing everything perfectly and allowed the trial and error process, that all new things go through, a chance to evolve and unfold?
  
• What if we were able to see this as a time to step back, take a breath, and chill?
• What if we are able to find a few things, that we are now doing because of the pandemic, that we realize we prefer and will probably continue to do even when there is no more pandemic?
• What if we decided that some of the "busy", "bigger is better", "be more productive" things we were participating in were probably not really to our benefit?
• What if a couple of things have come to light that you realize are a priority and you probably would not have seen them without something significant changing?
• What if through this, we in our small groups and larger groups, see some areas where we know we can and want to be doing things differently?
• What if because of this those who were focusing on other work have turned there attention to things that will benefit us all in the long run?
• What if because of this some things that were holding us back/getting in our way have come to light and at least we are now aware of them?
• What if individually and as a whole what is really important to us becomes a bit more clear?
• What if because of this there are a few more people/groups that decide they want to work together and move forward into new possibilities?
• What if a child growing up in this time is inspired to who they really because of it?
• What if some of the things we were clinging to, that were habitual and not very beneficial to us, have become impractical or impossible during this time and we realize we are ready to let them go?
  
• What if we begin to recognize the old habit of wanting conditions to be different in order to feel better and we are able to take some of our power back?
• What if we finally get tired of the blame game and decide to give ourselves some relief by reaching for those things that feel better?
• What if those who are determined to put their fingers on the hot stove and endure it are allowed to do so and decide on their own when they are ready to make a different decision?
• What if we become a spec more trusting and appreciative of all our differences, preferences, and abilities and begin to see each other from new perspectives?
• What if somehow we could look in a crystal ball, years in the future, and easily see how so many of the things we are experiencing now became beneficial to our future?
• What if something so disruptive ends up becoming something we can appreciate because of what it did for us?
• What if because of this there is the potential for a bit more love and understanding between us?
• What if within all of this there are answers to questions we have been asking for a long time?
  
• What if within all of this who we really are is shining and becoming brighter.

 LOP is the pursuit of feeling a little bit better in our current moment so that we are becoming more of who we really are in our next moments.

"The Social Dilemma"

I was inspired to watch "The Social Dilemma" a couple weeks ago.  Couldn't explain why, just felt like there would be something in it that I would really like.  We don't have Netflix, so I subscribed and my husband and I sat down and watched it.  Then we watched it again.

For those who have seen it, I know it could be easy to walk away from it wanting to delete apps, shut off notifications on your devices, and resist the world of tech.  But the more I thought about it the more I was able to see, that in there own way, they were really talking about LOP.

They spoke about how our attention is a commodity and that every click we make on our devices, on any of the apps, is remembered and added to a profile of us as something that interests us.  How long we stay on any particular article, photo, video is also remembered and logged as something that is important to us.  They explained how important our attention is and that thousands of advertisers are wanting our attention and paying big money for our attention.  And perhaps most interestingly we are given more articles, advertisements, videos, etc. of exactly what we have told the app is of interest to us.  The more we get, the more we click and focus.  The more we focus the more it seems to be fact/the truth/real. 

What dawned on me is this is what is happening anyways.  Facebook and the other tech companies just wrote an algorithm as to what we naturally do in our lives.  Lou Tice coined the phrase decades ago "we move towards and act like that which we think about."  Einstein is quoted as saying "It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer," which is a statement about attention and focus.  And in LOP I often refer to the upward and downward spiral of life, and how when we get on either of them there seems to be a momentum that takes us farther and farther in the direction of our attention.  

So, whether we are on Facebook or not, we still have an algorithm watching everything we choose, focus on, pay attention to.  Our minds are built to filter and sift through the extraordinary amounts of data we have bombarding us everyday and pick out the data we have deemed important through our attention.

I guess then the question becomes not what it true/right/proven (because our algorithms will support us in whatever we have given our attention to), but what am I clicking on?  Where am I spending the commodity of my attention?  Am I focused on what I want or what I don't want?  Am I focused on being right or being happy?  Am I focused on info that will prove my point so that I don't need to update what I believe, or am I focused on understanding a variety of viewpoints?  Am I focused on winning at all costs, or on all of us winning.  Am I focused on what to fear, or what I can appreciate?  Am I putting my attention towards resisting what is going on, or knowing that solutions are formulating?  Am I instructing the Facebook algorithm, or my own personal algorithm, to collect more information about what takes me on the downward spiral or the upward spiral?

I realize that it may seem easy, as 'The Social Dilemma' points out, to become addicted to what we have already been clicking on -- this is the natural momentum of focus.  We may find ourselves constantly checking our phones and apps seeing how many likes we have, responding to notifications that interrupt our focus, and seeing what the latest information is about someone we don't even know.  We begin to feel like Pavlov's dog and that doesn't feel good, and the reason it doesn't feel good is because it is usually giving us more of what isn't important to us/not in alignment with who we really are.  We have ended up feeling out of control in our lives, but we are the ones clicking on the things that are not in alignment with our priorities.

The good news, what I took away from the documentary, is we don't have to cut tech out of our lives, we are not victims of it, and we do not need to resist what we notice in our lives.  The good news is we can just be pickier about where we focus, what we click on, and where we are 'spending' this commodity that is our attention.  The good news is we are in the drivers seat, we are in control.  The good news is we are not destined to a life of being a commodity or of mediocrity.  We can change the pop-ups on our apps and we can change our perception about what pops up in our lives.  We can go from the downward spiral to the upward spiral by choosing what we click on.  The algorithms in our lives are bringing to us and showing us what we are choosing, and what a great way to get better and better at clarifying what is a priority to us and clicking on that instead.

LOP is about paying attention to what I am paying attention to so that those who are paying for my attention are serving me, what I really want, and who I really am.

Harmony Instead of Sameness

Harmony is the combination of simultaneously sounded musical notes (perspectives/ideas/lives) to produce chords and chord progressions (results) that have a pleasing effect. (Taken from the Oxford Dictionaries; parentheses are my additions.)

I believe it is harmony that we seek, however, we may be believing that it is sameness.  When we want everyone to understand, believe, and be the same as us, and they are not being that way, we want to make everyone else wrong and responsible.  If we choose harmony it becomes our individual responsibilities which can seem overwhelming and scary, however, finding the harmony is what is going to create the "pleasing effect".

I think we perhaps are lacking harmony in the world because we are not being the harmony, the beautiful notes, that is each one of us.  The good news is the lack of harmony in the world is helping us discover the harmony that is within us. We are in the midst of composing a great song.

 

You'er One in a Billion!

One of the basic tenets of LOP is that we are all geniuses.  This idea is not about the traditional IQ scores that many of us are use to, it is based on the idea that we are individuals, unique, and there is no one that can do us as well as we can.

I recently purchased a National Geographic speciality issue on the "Science of Genius".  Within it was information on Harold Gardner's research around MI -- Multiple Intelligences.  MI outlines nine areas of human aptitude recognizing that our differences are vast and important.  The aptitudes include: logical-reasoning, musical, spatial, naturalist, interpersonal, bodily-kinesthetic, linguistic intrapersonal and existential.

Although I find these categories fascinating, exploring them is not the purpose of this post, so I will allow you to explore them further if you are inspired.  The exciting part I want to express in this post is how MI has expanded my appreciation of our uniqueness and how much each of us can benefit by each of us being who we really are and expressing that out into the world.

Imagine if a person picked a number between one and ten indicating how much they identified with a particular aptitude, and they did that with all nine aptitudes.  They would arrive at a unique combination of numbers that would be (if I am doing the math of calculating outcomes correctly) 1: 1,000,000,000 -- that's one in a billion, and that does not take into account the differences of where we were born, how we grew up and all the other experiences we each have that make us unique.

Based on the concept of these numbers this means that in the whole world there are seven other people who share the same combination of skills, abilities, interests and priorities as you.  There are maybe seven other people who see things the same way you do, process information the same way you do, would do a job the same way you do, have creative ideas the same way you do.  And this brings us back to the basis of LOP:  if you don't share/honor/remember and express who you really are with the rest of us -- who will?

LOP is about recognizing, appreciating, and benefiting from the differences each of us contributes as we LOP.

Love You!

"Love You!"  A statement we hear and use a lot.  It's everywhere in our daily lives.  It's in our movies and books and songs and paintings.  Some spend much of their energy, time, and money trying to get it.  Some seem to have lots, others seem to constantly yearn for it.  So what are we really saying when we say "Love You"?

Well, "Love You!" probably changes from person to person, from circumstance to circumstance, from moment to moment, but here are some possibilities.  We say, "Love you!" when . . .

-- we are really saying, "Thanks for being the way I need you to be in order for me to feel good."
-- we are trying to make someone feel better so that we can feel better.
-- we see someone being their natural, beautiful, genius self and we have so much appreciation for them in that moment as they share with us who they really are.
-- we are wanting acceptance and love and we think that if we say it we might get some back.
-- we are really saying, "I appreciate what we have together."
-- it is habit and we didn't even realize we just said it.
-- we are really comfortable with the way things are and we want to keep someone from changing or rocking our boat.
-- we are not needing anyone to earn it, we just love because we are a lover.
-- we feel guilty for something we did and we are trying to make up for it.
-- our hearts are so full we can not help but let it spill out to those who are around us.

LOP isn't about judging one of the above as being better than the other -- you'll know if it is right for you by the way it feels.  LOP is about being aware of why I am saying "Love you", and how I am saying it, and if it is really what I am meaning to say, and practicing love the way I want it to be in my life.

Love You!

Where Am I Rushing To?

I was writing the word MARGARINE as a note to myself and I heard myself say to me, "Where am I rushing to?"

I could, once again, feel that energy of trying to rush through/get done whatever was in front of me so that I could get on to something else.  It is that thing that takes me away from/robs me of my life, because my life is now.

So, what was I trying to rush on to?
Rush on to whatever is next?
Rush on to what I really want to be doing?
Rush on to what I perceive will be more fun/useful/important?
Rush just to appear busy?
Rush on to getting everything done because then I will be happy?
Rush on to getting everything handled so I can finally get to what I love and what is most important to me?
Rush on because I don't like now?
Rush on because it is a habit or it is what everyone else is doing?
Rush on because I am so use to trying to justify myself through what I do, and I think the more I rush the more I do?
Rush on because we are so use to thinking "over there" is better than here?

In all that rushing on I am missing now.  And the only place I am ever going to feel the joy, the peace, the perfection, the completeness, the appreciation of my life is when I am with myself now.  Those feelings don't just magically arrive once I find the mate, or the job, or retire, or get that car, or get my 'to-do' list done.  Those milestones in life are all great, but if I don't know how to be present within this moment, those milestones will just be one more thing I rush through on my way to never getting there.

M  A  R  G  A  R  I  N  E.  I was aware and present with the formation of each letter.  I watched my hand as I printed it out.  No better place to be . . . until, of course, I arrive at the next moment.

LOP is practicing  N  O  W.

What's Your Internal Rhythm Today?

A few weeks back my husband and I got in our first, what we call, truck camping trip of the year.  We usually do this in late spring as a wonderful way to decompress after our winter -- so it being later than usual this year, we were very ready for it.

What is lovely about it is it's usually a great time to really connect with my internal rhythm . . . with what is most important to me in each moment of my day.  This trip (probably because it was so long overdue) was a fabulous example of this for me and how our internal rhythm can be so different from day to day, moment to moment.

Day one started off with a pot of coffee and a good book.  I figured that I would tire of that by about noon and be ready for something else.  Noon came and went and I could feel how much I was still enjoying just sitting and reading.  And although there was a little voice saying well maybe you should go do something else now, I was able to let it go and give myself permission to stay in this delicious place of sitting in front of a camp fire and reading.  That desire felt complete about 4:00 PM when I was happy to switch my focus to some activities around camp.

Day two started off similarly, however, a desire to go for a hike soon became prevalent and we ended up having one of our best hikes in that area with the opportunity to watch some black bears at the end of it.  Came back to camp for a big dinner and drinks -- Perfect!

Day three started off similarly again, but this time I was soon inspired to do some editing work I had brought along.  This is the kind of work that definitely needs to be inspired -- if I try to do it when I am not inspired it is garbage.  After that we started to clean up camp in preparation to come home, which can sometimes feel like an unpleasant chore but this time it was quite enjoyable, with a really synchronistic flow between my husband and I.

I have bothered to itemize our activities for each day in this post to share how different my internal rhythm looked each day.  Being in that kind of flow -- or what some call the sweet spot of life or in the groove of life, or what I sometimes like to call the tickety-boo of life -- is LOP.  And yes, I know, having complete freedom to follow our internal rhythm in our everyday "real" life can seem impossible.  But when I listen to my rhythm, instead of getting caught up in all my "shoulds," or preconceived ideas of how things must be, I know my internal rhythm is still there to guide me even in "real" life -- I probably will just need to practice that more.

LOP is hearing and trusting the ebb and flow of my internal rhythm.

The Accomplishment Addiction

I have times, as I practice living on purpose (LOP), when I get suspicious of myself.  Sometimes I catch myself justifying, being right about something, or feeling the pressure to get something done, and then the red flag goes up.  I become suspicious of my to-do list when it is in the driver seat of my life and I am feeling the need to accomplish things in order to be O.K.  I realize that for most of us it is an outlandish idea that the need to accomplish would not be a good thing.  For most of us we have been reared to believe that the whole point of being alive is to be productive, so how could I possibly think it could be an addiction?

The definition of LOP is not not accomplishing things.  Actually, I believe someone who is LOP will probably be more productive in their lives than most, but, just because we are accomplishing things does not mean we are LOP and perhaps that has become our tripping point.  A person who is busy or accomplishing may believe they are living a great life because they can point to all of their accomplishments.  However, as I have glimpses behind my own veil I realize that accomplishment without LOP is nothing more than mediocrity.  It may give us a short burst of satisfaction and relief to be able to pronounce something as complete, but how often is it also a true expression of who we really are?

I realize I may be attacking a sacred cow by calling accomplishment an addiction and mediocre, because most of our world is teetering on the importance of everyone continuing to accomplish.  Our schooling, our world of employment, our sports, our basic services of life are often propped up with many who show up everyday to be productive and to do their share of accomplishing.  But again, I am not saying that LOP is void of accomplishment, it actually has the potential for increased productivity.  What takes accomplishment out of the realm of just mediocrity is that LOP accomplishments come from us sharing our personal knowing/our genius self, which is where all great art, athleticism, heroism, inventions, have  been derived.

I recognize that the addiction of being busy, just to feel like we have achieved something in a day, has become so important for many of us we are usually willing to forgo our greatness just to get the short term fix of accomplishing something.  We are willing to be mediocre because the relief of being able to cross something off our to-do list has become more important than a belief that we might be something more.  But, I am suggesting that we are more than the sum of our accomplishments.  Just as the sun burns hot and bright and because of that a whole lot is 'accomplished', we too are meant to shine and see what shining brightly in our lives naturally accomplishes.

LOP is the gushing of inspiration that looks like immense accomplishment.

Picky, Picky, Picky

I had an "Ah ha" moment a couple weeks back as I was washing my car.  I was trying out a new car wash due to a situation that had not felt good the last time I had visited my usual car wash.  I had come to the realization that my usual place wasn't as picky as me.  Their expectations, attention to detail, and definition of maintenance and repair were obviously different than mine.  On my last visit I had tried to point out what I considered was not working, but for them it was within the realm of acceptable working order.  I left frustrated that they had not acquiesced to my perception of acceptable working order.

Fast forward a week or two, I am visiting a different car wash.  Upon my arrival I see signs indicating this car wash's expectations for using their facilities.  When I entered and started the wash I saw more signs outlining their preferences.  As I used the machines they operated at the level I had desired at my old location.  I felt that the expectations of this facility were neither less than or more than my level of pickiness.

As I pulled away, (here comes the ah ha), I realized that I needn't concern myself with trying to change anyone else's degree of pickiness, I just want to allow myself to meet up with those that are at the same level of pickiness as me.  I know, it doesn't seem to be a very dramatic realization, but it was paradigm altering.

I could feel the weight of needing to change anyone with a different degree of pickiness being lifted from my shoulders.  I could see how I could release myself from judgement when I did not measure up to those who are pickier than I am.  I could be completely happy and excited and supportive of my degree of pickiness.  My preferences of pickiness are perfect for me and there are those that will match my degree of pickiness with whom I will have a really good time.  And, there will be those that are different from my degree of pickiness that I will meet up with from time to time, and from whom I can acquire insight, new ideas, and inspiration, but I am not obligated to play in the same sand box.

But maybe most importantly, I realized that no one's degree of pickiness is wrong, which means I can stop spending my energy on trying to change anyone, measure up to others, or try to figure out the right degree of pickiness, and I can just get on with moving forward with the degree of pickiness that works for me.  A real time, energy, and frustration saver.

If we look around us today, there are arguments flourishing about who's degree of "pickiness" is right.  We are so concerned with getting everyone to agree on the same pickiness we don't really move forward.  It's like trying to get everyone to agree on the same kind of music before anyone writes a song.  We end up with no music, no creativity, and no opportunity for harmony.

So, maybe I will just head out today knowing that the degree of pickiness that feels right for me is absolutely perfect, and I will know it when I encounter those who are the same pickiness as me.  And if I run into someone who is different I can just say, "I can appreciate your degree of pickiness, but I think I will keep looking.  Thanks!

LOP is trusting my degree of pickiness and letting go of the rest.