It's Not the What, it's the How

A while ago I heard the Facebook whistleblower, Frances Haugen, say, "No one at Facebook is malevolent, but the incentives are misaligned".  For me this statement held so much wisdom and depth to what we seem to be experiencing in many ways, in many places, about so many things.

A cornerstone of LOP is the belief that all of us want to feel better, and in our own way are pursuing that as best we can each day.  I am not saying all our methods are constructive, but I do believe that there isn't anyone who wakes up in the morning saying, "I want to have the most miserable day I possibly can."

So, as I watch some of what is going on in the world, and I hold in mind the belief we all are wanting to feel better, I keep thinking that maybe it is not the what that we all disagree on (no one is being malevolent, no one wants to have a miserable day) it's the how to do things that we are argue, fight, kill each other over (our incentives are just misaligned, we are not very constructive).  And if we generally agree on the what maybe we will be in a better/less defensive/less protective state when we discuss how we are wanting to move forward.  

So, if we pretend that we all agree that the 'what' equates to feeling good/better/more of who we really are, then why all the conflict?  I think it is because of the different possibilities on 'how' we can get there.  We spend our time and energy defending our 'how' over someone else's 'how', but if we are all heading to the same place (feeling good/being who we really are) does it matter if someone uses the same how as me?  If I really trusted that we are wanting the same thing would I be spending my energy to prove them wrong? 

• Maybe remembering we are truly all after the same thing will help us let go of our need to defend our individual 'hows'? 
• Maybe we could trust more that our 'hows' are as right for us as theirs are for them?
• Maybe when I am fearful of their 'how', it's because I am choosing fear over trust?
  
• Maybe as I get better at knowing that I get to choose how I want to feel/respond/perceive I will be less fearful of their 'hows'?
• Maybe if we decided that it is not really their choice of 'hows' that feels so awful, but it is actually us resisting their 'hows' instead of moving forward with our 'hows' that feels awful?
• Maybe as we free up a whole lot of time and energy for us to move forward with our 'hows' and achieve the 'what' of feeling better, we will understand their 'hows' better?
• Maybe when I resist someone else's how I am actually slowing down them discovering the 'how' that will end up working for many of us.
  
• Maybe the variety of all these 'hows' are the perfect ingredient for creating the harmony we are truly after?
• Maybe all of these different 'hows' were just a really great way for us to learn to trust each other, which is the 'what' we were after the whole time. 
  

LOP is trusting we agree on the 'what' and allowing all of us to pursue our own 'hows'.